It's a known fact that my favorite downtime activity is perusing Etsy for ridiculous things. It's a mecca for crazies selling their wares and I love them for it. It's true that sometimes I check it out for crafty ideas that I can do myself because I'm cheap I like to make things, but mostly I look for crap that no one in their right mind would ever need or want.

Well, guess who's had a whooole lot of downtime lately due to an unplanned pregnancy and sooner-than-planned move south? That's right, this girl! The past nine months have been seriously lacking creativity on my part (it's the lack of booze I tell ya!) but it's all coming back (it's all coming back to me nooow) now that I'm close to pushing this kid out... and because my girl Lindsey sent me this first gem which of course led to more. Etsy's search is like the sidebar on You Tube. The possibilities are endless!

The Fu Man Chu Mustache Pacifier

This should be at the top of every expecting parent's want list. It's a binky AND a porn-worthy mustache! Held together by non-toxic water based glue and then some regular ol' glue gun stuff, it's sure to last a lifetime... or until your kid discoveres it has hands and can grasp things.

ThE OrIGInAL Monogrammed Embroidered Personalized Pacifier Binky Mam Clip OR Toy Leash Holder

Bush Boy enjoys long walks on the beach, the music stylings of Barry White, and everything associated with the leisure suit and seventies porn. Bonus points for rANdomLy cApitALIzed letters and the longest product name in Etsy history.

The Love Knot Maternity and Baby Wrap

Nothing, and I mean nothing, says "I Love My Baby" like wrapping your belly in something that looks like a chainlink fence. For the bargain price of $3.99, I'm half tempted to buy this and figure out how to read a crochet pattern.

I searched for "Baby Teeth" thinking, "Oh cute wittle boxes to hold stuff for the tooth fairy!" I got this instead:

Baby Tooth Hair Charm

There was also the Sterling Silver Baby Tooth Fairy Flower Necklace, which makes me think of the poor, unfortunate souls in Ursula's cave in The Little Mermaid.

Have heard of reborn babies yet? I have. unfortunately. This Ebay auction is for three reborn baby dolls, they're triplets y'all, named Ruby, Jasper, and Crystal. For the bargain basement price of £590 ($971.38 American) you can own these precious nice lovely creepy dolls. They come with all sorts of useful accessories, like a SIDS dinosaur and clothes. They also have subtile painted on veins and their skin is also mottled. To be honest, Jas, Crystal, and Ruby look a little to Fight Club for me. I like my ridiculously expensive baby dolls to have clear skin and hair I can curl or crimp (guess who Cabbage Patch Kid collection last week). To each Dr. Frankenstein reborn creator their own, I guess.

Finally, I present to you... 4 Baby Teeth (vintage!!!) in Tiny Ceramic Cases

I bet these would go great with Buffalo Bill's human skin suit. Maybe a nice lil' necklace or some fancy earrings. I bet his ears are double pierced.

That's all I have for now, the actual human teeth for sale are kind of freaking me out a little...

PS- Because Twilight always happens when I search for things- there's this:

It's that time of year again- New Years Resolution Blog Time! I could be original and write about something else but I have writers block really want to do something with myself in 2011. Something that will make me a better person... or at least make me look good when next December rolls around and I'm still going strong.

I've been making resolutions since I was in junior high and only succeeded during the "be a vegetarian" year because I'm competitive and people told me I'd never last. I wrote down that I wanted to be more like Chuck Norris for the family resolution jar at Christmas but being a good kicker seems like a lot of exercise.

No way José.

I thought about starting one of the 365 picture project things. I'd start a new blog for it (An Occasionally Sober 365 Project: In Focus & Out of Booze?), get a calendar to remind me to do something every day, and ultimately post the pictures in a timely manner to the interwebs. 

Waaaay too much work for the girl who uses the made up? word "half-assedly" on a daily basis.

There's always the ol' "do a good deed everyday." That might impose on my snarky bitch reputation though and I've been working on that for awhile.

Eating better is out of the question because my favorite food groups are potato chips and booze.

Cutting back on the internet would leave me with nothing to do when I'm drunk at three in the afternoon blog about. Crazy Etsy sellers and Twihards are my lifelines, damnit!

Pssht, like I'd leave that horribly visible make up line!

I would like to learn more about the wine I drink on a daily weekly basis. I could resolve to choose based on my entrée rather than by label when the entrée portion of dinner isn't the bottle of wine itself. I do live five minutes from a great winery afterall. This could be a keeper if I can manage to turn off the "Pretty bottle! I want to go to there!" portion of my brain.

Oooo so neat! I mean, does it go with chicken?

There are just so many options. I can't really decide at the moment what I should do. Little of column A, little of column B might work in some instances. I could drink better dinners by choosing better wines and beers. Go local and craft!

Maybe I'll go with something completely different, like finding and listening to a new band every week. Think of how broad and classy my music knowledge could be! Of course, then I'd not only dress like a hipster but I'd have the musical taste of a hipster.

Sigh. Fucking hipsters. They're everywhere.

Ever have one of those "Oh haaaale no!" moments on facebook? I have. Quite often actually. Usually I keep them to myself, though, or talk about the perpetraters behind their backs in true girltalk style.

This time, however, I'm throwing it out for the interwebs to gobble up because it's that good.

In fact, it's a 610 word paragraph! It's practically a love song to Glenn Beck at one point. It's yet another self-proclaimed "nice guy" turning asshole when things don't his way! Poor baby :( Let's read it together, shall we? It's copy and pasted, word for word, with the addition of paragraphs for easier viewing:

"You want to know me, well here it goes. It’s hard to tell you anything or get to know someone when you don’t respond to any text and when all I’m trying to do is see how you are doing for the most part. You could at least do the courteous thing a respond to a Text in a reasonable time or say leave me alone I don’t like you instead of just ignoring them."

"I do happen to like girlie girls, not dumb ones but at least sentimental ones whom say their favorite movie is “The Notebook”. I do like to do the romantic thing and dote over a girl and give them attention."

"Its why there have been married women in my life because I know I’m a nice if not great guy and most of the time they got married to their tool of a husband because they got pregnant or he was the great athlete only to finally realize that person was really the Asshole everyone tried to warn them about."

"I do want to get married some day and I most certainly want kids."

"After Thanksgiving the third since Grandma died and it’s looking more and more likely there won’t be very many of the tradition Family Holiday get-togethers I grew up knowing and that are why it’s important to have a family of your own and make your own Holiday traditions."

"I do have opinions on those who say they will never get married or have kids and that is that they are usually liberal women who end up being alone and grow more bitter with age because they are missing something very important in their lives and before they figure it out they are barren and unable to do anything about it."

"Because of that they cling more tightly to their liberal ideals and think, I wouldn’t feel so miserable if everyone else in society didn’t hold marriage and family as such an important basic common value in life. Then they try to teach or push their belief on others so everyone else is as miserable as they are and they don’t feel so bad."

"I don’t believe you’re that person or want to but chances are with your attitude toward marriage and kids, you could. I can tell by your “people watching” and intolerance of improper grammar that you are someone who sits up on her “educated” perch and judge people."

"You don’t like Glenn Beck; can you tell me why you don’t like him with actual facts? Do you ever watch him or know for certain he is a complete moron? Because I happen to like him and is something I watch on a nightly basis not just because I agree with 80% of what he says but because most of things that he has been saying over the past couple years, you know the stuff he has been made fun of for saying or is the reason why people like you don’t like him,"

"Well, those things are NOW ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Is that why you don’t like him? I know “educated” people don’t like to be proven wrong and it pisses them off."

"I for one will be prepared when 2012 or sooner if the end of civilization happens, I most definitely believe something will happen. Whether I believe Mayan prophecy, I do, or whether other ancient civilization or the Bible has for seen the end of Days, I do as well, or not, I do know too much about History to know that the World is on a very dangerous path. I’m sorry but I believe what I believe."

So there you have it, interwebs. Moral of the story? Single men over the age of 29 in the homeland are a liiiiitle needy when it comes to text message replies at 9am and on holiday weekends... among other things. I won't list those though because I'm nice. Well, almost. Sort of? Okay so I might not be nice... at least the people I bang are all single.

I saw Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 this evening. Well, this morning actually.

I wore my Muggle shirt and Gryffindor scarf and sat in the theater for two hours in order to see this movie as early as possible. It was quite worth it. I like Harry Potter... a lot. I even reread the entire series over the summer to prepare myself for The Deathly Hallows. That's effin' dedication folks.

I had all intentions of coming home post-midnight viewing, making myself a cup of tea, and writing some longhand notes on the experience. Why longhand? Because that's how JK wrote most of HP and it seemed right I planned on being too lazy to open my laptop at 3am.

That all went to shit five minutes into the movie.

You see, the Harry Potter kids have grown the eff up. By "HP Kids" I mean the guys... and by "grown up" I mean GOT HOT. Likes seriously hot. Two t's hott because they all have accents (Praise be to casting for their British/European only actors only policy). It's not just the regulars either. The new cast members aren't lacking in the gorgeous department.

Feast your eyes on what I like to call The Harry Potter Parade of Hot.

Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter): Wanna Bang.

Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy): Wanna Bang. Twice.

Rhys Ifans (X. Lovegood): Wanna Bang.

Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix LeStrange): Don't judge me. Bitch plays crazy to perfection. Would Bang if given the opportunity but I'm pretty sure she's crazy in real life married to a dude so I'll settle for admiring her from a safe distance.

Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom): Want. To. Bang.

Jamie Campbell Bower (Gellert Grindelwald): Wanna Bang.

Nick Moran (Scabior): WANNA BAAAAANG!

Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy): You guessed it. Wanna Bang.

Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley): Honestly, I don't really like gingers. This kid does it for me though.

OH Bill Nighy! How the fuuuuck did I forget you?! WANT. TO. BANG. DESPITE AGE DIFFERENCE. HOT.

Freddie Stroma (Cormac McLaggen): Wanna Bang but not say his name.

And finally, The Pièce de Hott Résistance:

Alan Fucking Rickman.

Also known as Severus Snape. I'd jump Alan Rickman for his voice alone. It doesn't hurt that I think he's a foxy older guy, but in reality if he said "Hello" to me I'd start looking for the nearest hotel. Don't act like you wouldn't do the same. exact. thing. Hell, I doubt he'd even have to talk to me. I'd settle for a look.

In conclusion (I think that's conclusion, I just spent two hours Googling), HP7 was epic covered in some steamy awesomesauce. The rest of the cast wasn't half bad either. Did I leave anyone out?

November, rather, Movember 18th is Have Sex With a Guy With a Mustache Day.
No, seriously. It is.

If that highly credible PSA told me anything, it's that having a go for mens health is what to do this Movember. I mean, Ball Cancer KILLS (I'm obviously immune to technical terminolgy) men everyday. The least we, as women, could do to support the men who wore pink all October long is a little horizontal mamboing for a day. We could also buy shirts from CityStache, where 50% of proceeds help fund prostate research.

I for one am glad the dudes picked something like 'staches to rep their cause because I can never keep track of ribbon colors. Pink for tits is easy enough but the rest blur together a little. I'm also happy because it's been previously stated that I'd look absolutely ridiculous with facial hair and this whole Mustache Rides for Cancer finally gives me something to contribute to the cause besides my booze money.

Not that I'm going to search out a guy growing a mustache and/or other facial hair for cancer and ask if he wants to bang or anything, I'm an effin' lady. We don't do things like that outside of frat parties. What I will do though, is celebrate the day with pictures of men who are doin' it for cancer.

Let's say hello to Tom Dyer, shall we? He wants us to donate to the UK Movember sooo I'm taking it that he's British and I'm all about accents. He also plays guitar, hot, and is going for the Tom Sellack look. Awesomesauuuuce.

This gentleman is Nate Bishop. I'm going to ignore the fact that he's from Pittsburgh and focus on his stache and kiiiiller glasses. He's being kickass and raising money with Team Balzac for mens health. It wouldn't hurt him to smile though.

I have to feature my favorite stache, the one attached to Michael Denteeeeeeeeen. He's a wicked cool kid living in the Seattle, WA area doing his thang. Ps Donate Your Money to Save Balls. He's going for the Watson from Sherlock Holmes look. Y-E-S.

This guy from Spacedrugs looks Fierce. I like. I don't know much about him, but I hope he gets shagged properly for the cause.

Hulloh Jamie from Glasgow. He says he's still working on Movember. I heartily approve. The smoking though, cooooould go. Lung cancer sucks just as much as ball cancer kids!

That's what I've got for now. Go forth and doooooo somebody ladies! Maybe one of these cats, maybe you're own special fellow. Guys- it's the PERFECT day to use the mustache ride pick up line to dooon't waste it!

Well cats, it's Movember. If you're a dude that means finally having a reason to see if you can fill out a whole mustache. If you're a chick like me, it means not having shit to do all month. I mean, come on. How sexist can you get? I can't disregard social norms and play along unless I want to join the circus. Does the circus still exist? I might be better off joining that county fair freak show that had the giant octopus last year. Then I'd be a carny. Ew. Plus, I'd probably look ridiculous.

So what exactly are we women to do this November? Stop shaving our legs and whatnot? Pssht, not me. Lucky for us, this month has something else going for it. Something better. A little slice of heaven if you will. It is without further ado that I introduce my back-for-a-limited-time friend, The McRib,

Yep. I'm celebrating McRimber. McDonald's has taken it upon themselves to bring back that fiiiine piece of boneless pork covered in a tangy barbecue sauce and topped with onions. (Pickles too but I don't eat pickles on sandwiches.) It's sandwich perfection, a phrase I normally pull out only for the Double Down so you know it's good.

I think my favorite part is the sloppiness of it all. If I'm judging it based on the barbecue standards of how fuckin' messy I am after consuming, The McRib's getting some pretty high marks.

Mmm. Saucy.

Some people don't get the McRib. They aren't keen on the idea of boneless rib-shaped pork. I'll admit that it's a little wonky, but my high school served something called a bakeable pork fritter so I'm slightly immune to wonky pork (if that's what she said I feel bad for her). I've never been around hogs so I can't 100% confirm that there isn't at least one McRib shaped cut. I have, however, been around chickens and know for a fact there's no McNugget part of the bird.

So suck it haters whilst I eat my weight in McRibs throughout the month of McRimber.

I like tattoos... a lot. Probably more than the average white sorority girl from rural Ohio should. I also don't take ink too seriously (I'm the girl with the skull & crossbones on her wrist goodness sake). I have been thinking about a design that actually means something as of late, which is a big step in maturity I do believe.

Anywho, back to things like jolly rogers.

This is DeShawn Stevenson:

And that, dear friends, is Abraham Lincoln. I've heard mumblings that Lincoln was a vampire hunter so maybe Mr. Stevenson is just anti-Twilight and True Blood. Maybe he's into small bills as opposed to throwing hundreds at the strippers. The world may never know (though I'm sure he's explained it and I'm just too lazy to Google it) what's up with NeckLinc.

Say Hellooo to Chris "Birdman" Anderson:

WTF, I ask you, is this shit? Free? In rainbow colors set against purple flames? Thank goodness he has that uber-appropriate for the NBA mohawk or you wouldn't be able to make out the giant dollar sign behind his ear. It's a case of godawful permanent graffiti, that's for daaaamn sure. I sure as hell hope he doesn't get injured and have to something other than play basketball for a living.
(source: blacksportsonline.com)

Other Things People Really Spent Money On...

Half Of A Twilight Book:

Because I can't look a damn thing up without Twilight getting involved: That is (apparently) a quote from one of Stephenie Meyer's best selling "novels." I've only read the books once so I couldn't tell you which one it's from. I'm all for word tattoos, just not half a page of text tattoos.

Fucking Hipsters:

As if the asymmetrical haircut, tight jeans, thrift store shirt, and multiple scarves weren't enough of a give away.

Long Live the SNL Chippendale:

If Chris Farley is on the other calf as a half-human/half-buffalo creature, I wholeheartedly approve.

Another Shit Twilight Tatt:

Pro: When you shittily (I'll make up words if I want, dammit) recreate the images from Twilight you don't have to worry about copyright lawsuits.
Con: You've shittily recreated images from Twilight.

You're On What Side Again?:

My first rule of tatts is never on the face. Why? Let's say I want to commit a crime (nothing big, maybe I want to key an ex's car). Security cameras are EVERYWHERE these days, not to mention camera phones and iPads

It's called GlowFur and thanks to Etsy (c'mon- who else?!) it's available for purchase. Apparently the GlowFur bra is not included in the $550 price of this fantabulous coat. Taaaalk about letdown. The only reason I originally clicked this item in my email was that I wanted my tits to be fuzzy and neon blue when I go to the cluuuub (is that where you wear GlowFur?) and get my dance on.

There's also a GlowFur Corset. For when you want to do some risque medieval/80's role playing. This one reminds me of those glow stick things they peddle at Kings Island when you're leaving at night. Glue some of those things on some Victoria's Secret crap and you've got a corset-o-glow. Probably for less than $225 too.

Oh yeah, in the event you don't want to be glowing or ya know- it's daylight, the GlowFur Coat can turn off. Then instead of looking like a New Jersey Stripper you just look like you're wearing a dead dog. Convenient!

Confession time y'all: I Google. A lot. My googling often leads to Youtube.

I search for the. most. random crap too. Many times it's a legitimate search for something I need (How do I hide booze in my bra), other times it's for general help (plural form of penis), and once in a while I search for songs that I've heard while out or remember from way back but can't recall the actual name.

The latter is what I did today. More than a few times in the homeland, DJ's and jukeboxes (no fancy schmancy digital shit here folks) spit out this song called "Living Next Door To Alice." It's a catchy tune, I like it. Of course, it sounds ten times better with "Who the fuck is Alice?" inserted into the chorus and that's what generally happens around here.

Now, whenever Google sends me to Youtube, there's a 95% chance I'm going to spend an hour clicking in the related videos section. By an hour I mean at least two. A lot of times I find out that I actually like the band as a whole and not just that one song. Sometimes I find exceptionally bad covers that make me giddy like a kid in a candy store. All in all, I'm rarely disappointed by their suggestions.

That was, until everything I googled and youtubed (probably not a word but fuck it) came with Twilight. It's very obvious by my previous blogging attempts that I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to Twihards (the technical term for crazy effin'  teenagers and 50 year old mothers). They do and make some kooky crap that can be found by searching for the most non-Twilight things. Case In Point:

After listening to the song above, I scrolled through the suggestions and saw that one was made "for my friend Alice." Someone made a montage for their friend using a song that allows people to shout "who the fuck is Alice" in public. I was thinking what you're surely thinking right now- This has got to be cute, right?! WRONG.

Say hello to Techno Alice. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the owner of this video doesn't know Alice, mainly because Alice is a fictional character and partly because it's all photos of a person called Ashley Green.

Last week I went to Cincinnati to eyefuck Joe Perry see Aerosmith for a fabulous lady's birthday. In anticipation of the two hour drive, I decided to make a mix CD filled with their classics. Gotta brush up on your lyric knowledge if you're gonna be singing loudly, ya know? So I did a lil' searching to find out what they've been playing on this tour and, like usual, got sent to Youtube...

All I have to say is at least this crazy dedicated fan had the decency to label it BELLA&EDWARD. Unfortunately for me, that label's like the effin' bat signal. Have. To. Watch.

Wouldn't ya know- they effin' did it to Cryin' too! I won't embed but I'll certainly link it. Watch Crappy Montage of Twilight HERE! It must be the lunatic Twilight Mom's from Oprah making these because I don't think teenyboppers will know who Steven Tyler is until he debuts on American Idol.

Another time I was watching Talladega Nights and was curious as to what an actual spider monkey looked like. According to Google, this is a spider monkey:

Huh, go figure. I thought they'd be harrier, maybe have less-sculpted eyebrows, and probably not be wearing slip-on shoes, but what do I know?

Later, I googled Dumpster Diving because I've become obsessed with that American Pickers show. If you haven't checked it out, you should. Quality entertainment and waay better people than those pawn shop douches. They even hung out with a real life Hobo. He was all ridin' the rails and junk while the guys were all over the river and through the woods to find stuff. It was cool, very "Americana." Anywho, back to Twilight ruining my search results: Dumpster Diving with Robert Pattinson

I can't argue with this one because I find Letters To Twilight ridiculously amusing. I also think Robert Pattinson looks like he slept inside a dumpster on most days so it fits.

Still doesn't mean I'm okay with shoddy teen lit taking over my pointless searches.